Incorrect Assumptions
by Mistri Tonks' Admirer
Summary: 2005VD challenge for TGFT. When Lily receives strange notes and Severus brews an aphrodisiac potion, MWPP put two and two together ...


**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. This story contains references from all five books, mainly in flashbacks and memories. I own nothing but the plot and a few unknown characters that may pop up.

**Explanatory Notes:** thegreenflametorch Valentine 2005 fanfic Challenge. Rating G through to PG-13 (Why, Agi, don't you know me at all?) 500 to 5000 words.

One of the characters (you choose who, as long as he/she is from the HP books) has been receiving strange little love notes from someone since December 25th, all hinting at a very sexy surprise that he/she will be receiving for Valentine's Day.

Requirements:

Someone needs to wear a pink dress/robes (not necessarily Lockhart).

A ghost in love is needed.

Required phrases in a story:

"Would you please stop referring to yourself in the third person!"

"What are you doing there with that grindylow?"

"I always loved looking at Uranus."

"You mean you've seen Snape brewing an aphrodisiac potion?"

**Rating:** PG-13 for suggestiveness.

**Incorrect Assumptions   
By: Mistri, Cho's Observer, Tonks' Admirer**

Sunday, 12th February, 1978.

Lily Evans looked at the forty-nine notes curiously. Each was addressed to 'The Sexiest Little White Flower' with no sender obvious.

These notes were in one sense, flattering. In another, quite strange. Together, they seemed to hint at being surprised on Valentines' Day with something quite sexy. Separately, it seemed that the sender was obsessed with seeing her naked.

Common sense told her that she should go to McGonagall or Dumbledore. However, she was quite flattered, and let common sense be overridden by this state. She would be standing beside that statue on the seventh floor on Tuesday, waiting for her surprise.

Nearly Headless Nick floated through the castle, singing some song about how he was in love. The Marauders ignored him, hastily gathered around the Gryffindor table.

"You mean you've seen Snape brewing an aphrodisiac potion?!" said James in a low tone.

Remus nodded. "He said he'd gotten it right, by Merlin, or else he'd die a virgin."

"EW!!" said Sirius, before the implications hit him. "What? Snape's going to coerce some poor girl into thinking she's all hot for him?"

"It appears that way, Padfoot," said James. "The only question is, what are we going to do about it?"

"We can't go to Dumbledore," said Peter. "We've only got Moony's word on this, and it could be considered hearsay. We have to catch him with it."

"But we can't guard him or every single girl in Hogwarts constantly, Wormtail!" said Sirius scathingly.

"We won't have to," said Remus. He tapped his nose. "I've got a nose and I know how to use it. Even better, I have another secret. If I want to — and mind you, I don't usually want to — I can become a wolf outside of the standard times. Give me the Cloak, spell it so it can't be destroyed and I'll find out what he's up to. You'll have to cover for me and get raw meat."

"You'd do that?" asked James.

"I can't not do it," said Remus. And he left it at that.

Tuesday, 14th February, 1978.

"What are you doing there with that grindylow?" said Flitwick, dressed in pink robes, by executive order of Dumbledore (translation: he lost a bet), looking Peter in the eyes firmly.

"It's not a grindylow, Professor," said Peter. He held up the raw meat. "Sirius charmed the meat to look like a grindylow, though."

"Carry on!" Flitwick said.

Peter hurried off, quickly meeting Remus, who chowed down on the meat before setting off to trail Snape's scent trail.

"I always loved looking at Uranus," gushed a girl as she and her boyfriend went outside for some illegal stargazing.

"Well, maybe you can li — ," said her boyfriend.

"Complete that sentence and I will castrate you with my teeth," the girl said.

Remus mentally grinned to himself and ran along the corridors, finally finding Snape dragging an unconscious girl into a room and place her on a bed. He watched carefully, watching Snape select and force a potion down her throat. Then Snape muttered a muffled spell and no sooner had Remus heard it, or thought he heard it, he lost all control. He leapt for Snape, ripping and tearing at his clothes and skin, knocking the poor girl off the bed hard.

Snape's screams were heard by half the castle, but Sirius had otherwise occupied their attention via a sucidal Peter.

Lily stood next the statue for several hours, finally getting sick of it and going down to the Great Hall. Barely five minutes after she had come in, radiating very bad mood, Snape and Remus arrived, Remus supporting Snape.

"Severus was only trying to help a fellow student after she fell off her broom and Severus gets attacked by some insane invisible force for doing so! So Severus was so panicked that Severus did not think to use _Mobilicorpus_! Severus' clothes are ruined! Severus demands restitution and reparation!" Snape was on a good rant. "Severus swears that's the last time Severus will ever bloody well bother to help anyone! Severus wants a full investigation into these occurrences!"

"Would you please stop referring to yourself in the third person!?" Remus shouted, slamming him into a seat at the Gryffindor table and inspecting the wounds. He held up a vial of potion, which Snape snatched and swallowed.

"What is going on?" asked Albus.

"Snape swears he was attacked by some invisible force," said Remus, ripping Snape's robes off, leaving him clad in a t-shirt and shorts before applying some healing ointment to Snape's wounds. "And he apparently trusts his own damn healing ointments far more than anyone's else, so I get to be the lucky bastard who helps him out."

"If I had not fallen over and caused you to fall down the stairs, you self proclaimed illegitmate arsehole, I would refuse to allow you to 'help' me, if you could even call this inept treatment — "

"Finish that sentence and I swear I'll break your nose," said Remus blandly, using Snape's robes to cover the wounds.

"You couldn't break a paper bag!" Snape sneered.

CRUNCH

"Can't I?" said Remus, returning to his work.

"You broke my nose, you ... Gryffindor prat!" Snape cried.

The teachers looked at each other, feeling something was slightly off about the entire situation.

"Consider that a down payment on whatever it is you'll do to me next," said Remus blandly. "Lils! Was the date fun?"

"As amusing as that was," said Lily, "WHO THE HELL HAS SENT ME ONE NOTE A DAY FOR THE PAST FIFTY-ONE DAYS?!"

"They didn't turn up?" asked Remus.

"What was your first clue?" spat Lily, brandishing her wand.

"Well, maybe they didn't turn up because they were waiting on a present," suggested James, arriving in the Great Hall.

"What would you know, Potter?!" Lily snapped.

"My last name. You _are_ upset," he said.

"Students!" shouted Albus. "Would everyone calm down!"

There was silence, except for Snape's muffled curses.

"Mr Lupin, you have received points for helping Mr Snape, but have lost them all for breaking his nose," said Albus, trying to restore some order. "Miss Evans, please keep your anger about dates or lack thereof outside of the Great Hall, please. Mr Potter, did you put Mr Pettigrew up to the idea of pretending to be suicidal?"

"You mean he's not?" James deadpanned.

"Mr Potter!" Minerva shouted.

"No, I did not," said James. "Hey Severus, did you get anywhere with the aphrodisiac?"

"No, but I think Lucius did. He's been having trouble sustaining an erection," Snape answered automatically.

"He's what?!" said James.

"Never mind that," said Lily. "Who sent me these notes?!"

"Oh yeah," said James, suddenly remembering something. "I only just got these about ten minutes ago. Here you go, Lily." He handed her twenty-one pink roses and a small box. Then he fell to one knee.

"Lily Evans ... will you marry me?"


End file.
